Relationships

“Who holds you?”

This has been one of the most powerful questions I have ever been asked.(I was in my spirituality residency [chaplaincy] at the hospital, and my supervisor asked me this as a reflection question). I was stunned that as I tried to respond, I began to cry. It was the kind of cry, where you have to work really hard to get yourself together. My tears seemed to be the only answer I could give, because I honestly didn’t know how to answer the question at all. After I left our meeting, I reflected some more, and I still couldn’t put my finger on it. Why was I feeling so broken, so confused by this question?

I did the natural thing for me: Evaluate my feelings…figure out where they stemmed from…what was the reason for my tears? I even sort of fought with myself internally about my tears: I know I am loved. I come from a family that loves me. I have people around me who love me. I believe God loves me. So why then do I feel so darn empty inside, each time I try to answer this question?

This happened in 2004. Here I am 9 years later, and I still reflect on this question. The question of, “Who holds you?” for me has always meant “Who loves you?” For many years, I kept searching for what Love was supposed to be like: that perfect kind of love. But as time has gone on I realize that by searching for perfect Love, many times I’ve missed the opportunity to really embrace moments of Love in my life, because I was afraid that it wasn’t the “right” kind of love, or the way love was “supposed to be.” So I walked around life feeling empty, when Love was all around me, waiting patiently for me to let it in.

My answer to this question has changed over the years. I’ve found a peace inside myself over time…instead of trying to figure out my reaction to this question over the years, I’ve learned to “Let it be;” i.e., trust more deeply that life will reveal its answers to me, when it is the right time. And in many ways, I finally feel I have come to an answer that I feel to be most truthful to who I am both in my every day life and in my spiritual life. I now recognize that each time I was trying to figure out where Love was in my life, I was actually preventing myself from experiencing it because I was searching too hard for it; i.e. I was getting in my own way of really being able to feel “held.” Instead of searching for love in my life, I now allow myself to feel Love, to experience Love, and most importantly Love myself so that I can even more honestly share my love with others and receive love from others. In other words, I allow Love to be what it is, and not what I expect it to be. I’ve gotten out of my own way! Now I feel safe and secure with Love’s arms holding me up, with a strength that will never break. Love is always there for me, and for you. It’s everywhere in nature, in people, in God, in the Spirit, in this amazing gift of Life, and inside you…you just need to give yourself the freedom to experience it without putting up so many walls.

How are you going to let Love into your life?

We all search for relationships in our lives, and deeper connections…open yourself to looking deeper within you, so that LOVE may spring forth anew for you.

You are Beloved. You are Loved.

So I leave you with my question today, “Who holds you?”

…and just remember that whatever your answer is today, it may change again tomorrow: be gentle with yourself, offer yourself love…and your answers will come. I have faith that they will for you.

Blessings, Erin, Bella Bleue

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Sometimes life is extremely challenging, even when it seems there is no reason for it to be. It’s the kind of challenge when something just feels off inside you. Maybe it’s that your heart just isn’t happy, and you don’t know why; maybe you’re feeling lonely, even though you saw your friends today; maybe you’re feeling sad, even though the sun is shining; etc.

We are all looking for ways to make ourselves feel better. But no matter what works, we all know feeling better, comes and goes. It is a natural rhythm of Life to have ups and downs, and a plateau every now and again. It is easier to share the good, than to allow the bad to have a voice. Because it is easier to share with others that you are “put-together,” and can handle anything that comes your way. Otherwise, you assume, others will think you are weak, even though they are putting on the same mask as you.–Life–our everyday making it through–has created us to believe that we always have to be strong on the outside. But our real LIFE—says You are human just like me, and me, and me, and me…and we all feel a total arrange of emotions.

So maybe we all just need to be a little kinder to ourselves: Allowing ourselves to be really who we are: beautiful and broken, broken and beautiful. Maybe strength is really about giving ourselves permission to be honestly who we were each created to be, rather than being the “well-put-together-all-the time” persons we think we need to be or ought to be. Maybe LIFE is really all about LOVE–accepting yourself, and accepting others; choosing to forgive and allow yourself to be forgiven; welcoming the Sacred into your life, whatever you call it God, Universe, Spirit, Beloved, etc., so you always have someone to share your journey with.

Yesterday, I was having a difficult day. Everything, seemed to be overwhelming me, and no matter how hard I tried to keep my spirits up, I just couldn’t get out of my funk. But then I remembered something as I washed the dishes, I had forgotten to talk with God. So I did. I just said, “I’m having a hard time, and You know how I am when I feel this way. If there is anything You can do to help me feel just a bit better…” A little later my husband called me, and told me the thing I was worrying about, I didn’t need to bother myself with any longer, and then suggested I take my son to the playground. His reassurance made me feel a bit more at ease. When we got to the playground my son ran around, until he planted himself at the sandbox, with a bunch of little boys. I sat down next to another mom. She was very welcoming and friendly. When we got in the car to go home, I realized I was feeling better. God had listened to my prayer and gave me the phone call from my husband, and brought me to a playground where there was a kind mother to share with and feel listened-to. I experienced Love from God, my husband and this mother.

I wonder what kind of world we would live in if each of us gave each other the gift of Love? Maybe these hard days wouldn’t be so hard. And maybe we’d all realize we are all just as human as the next person. Just maybe being “put-together” would mean you are a person of many feelings and emotions, but most of all you are a giver and receiver of LOVE; instead of being able to do it all, have it all, and always be happy.

Yeah, I wonder…how about you?…

Tag: Relationships

Getting in Your Own Way: Missing out on Love

Maybe LIFE really is All about LOVE.

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